Finding Christ amongst things of the World...

I decided to shed some light on a battle we face in life.. Worldy things Vs Him.I've often wondered what it would take to become a "christian woman", you see I have such a strong past, good and bad, for years I didn't even feel worthy of being a woman of Christ, I didn't even live life by His word... I lived by my own rules. I had a child out of wedlock, drugs, drinking, partying, denied Him, ect... how could I now claim to walk with Him. I've often had trouble defining things of this world verses Him. See, I really enjoy things of this world... television, entertainment, music (especially hip hop)... and I couldn't draw a line between how important those things were verses my future, my eternity
For a long time after losing my Mom I didn't go to church, in fact I shook my head and agreed when people told me how she was in a better place... but the fact is I didn't even believe it. My worldy emotions blocked what was real. I was so haunted by things that I had done to her and myself, I was broken from the inside out. Faith, lost- love, hard to accept- life, what life?
Finally I came to terms with my feelings and admitted to myself that I was so wrong--- God DOES love me, He would NEVER abandon me...I had abandoned myself... but how do I find my way back. I've gone astray for so long, does God even want me back, does He even know where I am and what I need, am I worthy of His love and forgiveness? I've always found that the harder I search for Christ the further away He seems, when I'm not aware of how much I need Him I almost take Him for granted I guess--- but when it's bad and I search for Him, He seems so far away. At this point, there is nothing to lose, search for Him and don't stop until you find Him.
Things of this world blur our vision, they cloud our judgement, it's like a dark cloud hovering over us when we are vulnerable, satan hard at work. When we are at our best, confident and proud, dark clouds seep in and drown out the light we have.... and it's hard to find Christ in the dark, especially with all the worldy things around us... drugs, music, tv, friends, negativity, ect.Through this I've learned how to find Him and how things of this world can create a barrier between me and my eternity, my beliefs, and my pureness. For instance, I love music, hard core rap music (I know I'm flawed right)... the lyrics, the hype, the excitement, I enjoy it. Television, I like it, movies are my thing--- both are things of this world. When my faith, my eternity, and my sanity are at stake I have to let these things go if I want to find Christ. I have to focus my attention on what I NEED, not what I WANT. God doesn't want to come second to your lifestyle--- he should be our lifestyle.He doesn't need our opinion, He KNOWS what we need and commands that we live through Him... but we don't. We live through our own eyes, our own heart, our own emotions, our feelings, our expereinces, our desires.... and when it all fails--- we look to Him for help to pick up the peices. See this isn't judgement, this is a way of life... I've lived it too. So many times I see people lost, unable to find their way to Him, to salvation, to happiness, because they have a wall--- a wall of worldy things that clouds the truth, clouds His promises. Again, I'm flawed, I get caught up in the moment and enjoy worldy things a little to much... but I'm very blessed to have been given the chance to know the difference between the life that Christ promises me and the misery Satan offers. Eternity verses this world. I'm writing this blog for people who have the same problem finding light when it's dark, finding Him when He seems so far away... drown out the worldly things and He is right there... very close. When I question whether or not I'm "worthy" I open the good book who gives me PROMISES, not ask others who offer an "opinion" on who I am and where I'm going. I drown out pain of the world, promises of the world, and I focus on Him and what He says. The devil lies, all the time, and he will tell you what you want to hear to get you as far away as possible, believe that and stay aware of it.  Example: It's so important that we distiguish between Lil Wayne's lyrics and the truth God gives us... if you can't- get rid of Lil Wayne until you can-- it's entertainment and should never be your way of life. My lifestyle, my thought process, my choices, my pride kept me so far away from God for so long, I didn't think I was coming back--- after all it was easy to give up, finding hope and love took courage. I had to drown out people, activities, and entertainment- worldy things- to find Him... today I know what worldy things are, and they are temporary. My future is my eternity and focusing on the big picture rather than momentary satisfaction is critical in finding Christ. Although I still feel "unworthy" of His love, I believe Him and all He says... and I've learned through the rain and pain I still have to seek Him and believe Him... and it never fails--- through all the worldy things in my life, I find Him. I'm confident that as long as I can distinguish between the world adn eternity I will always find Him, He's never lost, I am.  Have a blessed night! Rachelle     

Baby Girl

Baby Girl.

A girl meets a guy- both are really young, she takes his heart right out of his chest and he is so into her… he will never let her go.

They have a child… A girl is born to two people who love her so much, they look at her and think “wow, we did this”.
They vow to do the best they can with her life and agree that changed need to be made, after all they brought her here.
He works, hard labor, driving across the country, gone for weeks at a time, she stays home with the baby girl.
The baby girl, a hand full. Doesn’t sleep much, in fact hardly at all. She’s full of energy, sassy, and hard headed.
Momma is exhausted, all of her family is out of state and his family isn’t really into her. Sometimes she feels alone, really alone.
Daddy, doing what men do, thinks it’s ridiculous to be an exhausted “stay at home Mom”… all you do is stay home! (right)
“I work, I bring in the bacon, I’m the breadwinner, I’m gone 80% of the time, when I come home things should be in order”… why aren’t things in order. Money’s low, bills aren’t paid, vehicles broken, house is dirty, fridge is empty. What’s going on?
Mom is doing the best she can with what she’s given, for it isn’t until a man SEES the action behind the scenes that he truly understands
what it takes to raise a child.
Although love is important, there is also affection, time, dedication, selfless acts day after day after day.
Momma stresses Daddy out, Daddy stresses Momma out, everyone is stressed out.
Momma picks up a bottle to cope a little, to get a good nights sleep, all she needs is one good nights sleep--- but one night turns into five. Daddy, on the road, he does his own thing to release the tension, pain, and negativity. He falls into pits of darkness finding it hard to crawl out.
He calls, they fight, she drinks, he smokes, she blames, he blames, there’s infidelity, bitterness, aggravation, and tension… but they have one connection, one thing worth fighting for, the beautiful daughter, baby girl, they brought into the world.
Questions arise, “should we even be together, how is this supposed to work, I thought you loved me”.
Mommy seems miserable, the baby/child can sense it. She sees Momma cry most of the time---Daddy sheds his tears on the road, away from home. He doesn’t allow people to see his pain, he hides it. Holidays come and go, around everyone it’s all smiles, when they get home all hell breaks loose. Momma has secrets, Daddy has secrets, they are broken individuals who are even more broken together.
Momma tells her daughter several times, “I’m staying for you, I want you to have a family.” Daddy explains “It’s a grown up thing, you
Wouldn't understand. Your Momma doesn’t know how hard I work for this family.” They fight, oh they fighting, the screaming, yelling, breaking, throwing, violence, drugs, alcohol, again—the yelling.At one point her and Momma leave to get a loaf of bread at the grocery store… and never return home. They drive 14 hours before stopping. Momma cries the entire way there, she’s scared. It will be okay, I trust her, I really trust her. She explains that she and daddy need to be apart to make things better. Daddy finds out they have left town and is enraged, “you will regret this.”
The daughter—confused—she just wants permission to love both of her parents, nothing more nothing less. She hates being away from her father. In fact as an adult, when she is mad at Daddy, Momma explains how much she hated life without him during the time they were gone.
Eventually, a year later, Momma goes back because she sees the pain in her daughter’s eyes, her daughter wants her father. Her daughter doesn’t understand what she escaped; she doesn’t understand what the price of returning is… she just wants her father.
Upon return to Daddy, the situation was sticky but baby girl was happy to be a family again. Her family, one again… behind the scenes, arguing, misunderstanding, aggravation. To the world, it was good, inside it was tense.

Baby girl is growing up, seeking truth, seeking love, she knows a lot, she sees a lot. She’s misunderstood, she’s different. She likes challenge and victory, she’s head strong, determined to get her way, she’s a bit on the spoiled side. Little respect for herself or others, she’s headed down a bad path. Baby Girl, questions her worth, her position, and whether or not she should have even been born. She doesn’t understand why Daddy hits Momma when Momma always says Men should never hit women. She doesn’t understand why Momma drinks, what’s in those bottles and forgets everything she said the night before. She makes promises, breaks them, Daddy says things that are very hard to believe about Mom, but would he lie?

As a teenager baby girl doesn’t understand the true place of a woman in the world. She doesn’t know what true family structure is and she actually thinks life is supposed to be chaotic. If there isn’t drama, something isn’t right. She thinks whoever “works” in the home has the power, the authority, and when others don’t listen—she should smack them around until they get it.The tension began to take over baby girl…. Mom and Dad’s problem became her problem… she now numbed her pain, clung to anyone who told her she was pretty. And Baby girl, at one point, thought about taking her own life to ease the tension. What does she have to lose, she’s not a contributing member to society yet, no kids, no responsibilities, others have everything to GAIN… they can move on- guilt free, nothing holding anyone back from happiness.

See that was baby girl 11 years ago… lost, confused, and questioning existence. Baby girl today knows the value of a parent, the struggles we face, the stress, the pain, the ups, the downs… she understands the road to salvation and the power of a praying mother--- her mother NEVER stopped praying. She now knows parents are human, they fall, they rise, they fail… but they are our parents. I’m positive God gives us experiences- good and bad- for a reason… He will get your attention, at all cost. I see things now through His eyes, through prying eyes. I get it, I understand how my Mom felt when I considered her weak, how my Dad felt when I saw him as a failure… I get it. You HAVE TO be able to see past your own opinion and envision what’s inside others… because we ALL fail. Not one day do I dwell on my Mother’s failures, never, I see her faith and strength. I see her for her, her heart. I don’t see my Dad as the violent or angry person he was at one time, he’s my father- he’s always worked hard and I admire his determination to feed his family.
Why do I see them, the real them? Christ showed me what I could not see with my own eyes.

 I wrote this because it’s a true story. Kids see all, they hear all, and they are a lot smarter than you think. EVERYTHING we do as parents affects our children… our attitude, our demeanor, our responses, our faith, our failure, everything.

I’m praying that parents stand up, rise above addiction, and above issues, and see past their own weaknesses.
No One has the right to judge you……………………….. except your children.  
Love yourself, respect yourself, and they will grow up and bring the same pride and respect into their own family and relationships. If you don’t like who you see in the mirror--- what do you think the kids think about who they see.
Being a parent is a blessing, but it’s a difficult task.

***I can’t tell this story without mentioning two life saving women in my life- my Nanny and my Grandmother. Through all of this, and I mean all of it, they kept baby girl grounded, they kept her happy, and t blessed her in many ways. These two women are my source of energy today and I love them both very much, they saved my life.***

 
This blog dedicated to my parents, these two people mean the world to me and I’m glad God chose them for me. See love shines through failure, love doesn’t fail. I see love when I see them, everything else fades away. Although they had hard times, my parents loved one another, a deep love that was able to see through all the bad things for over 20 years… a love that never died. It’s beautiful to me.  

 
Have a blessed day! Rachelle

 

Smallness.

Smallness.

To an untrained eye or someone who only sees things for the way they look and/or sound, this won’t make sense.

We go through life and judge what we see and hear. We like the sound of it, the like the sight, we enjoy the moment.

We judge people and their decisions, we criticize their lifestyle, we joke about their struggles, so all humans go through life with strong senses… very strong senses.

What does that mean? When you see someone, when you look at their life-- their marriage, their family, their lifestyle, their belongings, their religion, their past, their position--- you need to be able to see the history, the battle, and the story behind it.

I find so often people are quick to say, “she acts funny” or “she’s not real”--- when they have no clue what her definition of real is and the pain, struggle, and past she has been through. Success always comes from somewhere… it doesn’t come from nothing.

Don’t base your perception on what you see or hear… both can be deceiving.

 

I call this smallness, people who can’t empathize or understand until they are backed into a corner and forced to do so.

Small thinkers are selfish, they see things through their eyes, no one else’s, and think that life will be fine as long as they do so.

They speak about Suzie down the street and her issues because they can’t stand the thought of their own problems at home, they undermine people who are good to them because they know they could never be the same to someone else, they destroy friendships and marriages because they know they will never posses relations of their own. They really can’t stand to look INSIDE so they turn their focus OUTSIDE.

IF you aren’t careful you will become this way, it isn’t hard to get caught up in smallness, in fact it’s everywhere- family gathering, grocery store, work, ect. So I wonder at times, is this a test of my Faith, is God testing me with smallness, to see if I can avoid it at all cost…? Hhhmmm…

 

It’s important to know that some people can’t see and hear beyond what’s in front of them, they are shallow… and you can’t change that.

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil the other day with women “proud to be mistresses”---- and all I could think was “how shallow can you be”?.?.? To be unable to see anything but what is in front of you must be a miserable way to live. I began to feel really sorry for them rather than mad because what a sad way to exist, to be enclosed in a box unable to see or hear anything past your selfish mind frame and your cold heart. Unable to feel real feelings. Some people are stuck, they aren’t happy- period. They haven’t figured out why, if they have they are too proud to change it or they simply can’t change it. Seeing others sad or mad may even make them feel better about their position….. SMALL THINKING.  

The saddest part, if people can’t hear and see things of this nature, like feelings, emotion, love, empathy, hurt, pain---- they probably can’t see and hear Christ either, pray for them. It’s important to go past what you see and hear, put yourself in the place of another, love yourself enough to love others, so that you can get out of that box. God didn’t create you for a box, He created you for the world.

 

Sometimes, people are too big for me--- I have to let them go. I can’t handle them and the hardest thing to admit is when you can’t handle something, so you hold on it to because you are determined not to fail, one more chance, then BAM--- you’re hurt. Seriously, let it go. Anyone who loves you will do just that, LOVE YOU. It’s not losing to let go, it’s a decision that you make in order to keep your sanity and freedom (don’t go to jail). J Really, how precious is your sanity, what’s it worth to you. Again, it’s seeing someone for who they truly are, not who they say they are. It’s okay to let go, God gives us the power to do that when the time is right… some friends aren’t meant to be forever, period. They served their purpose in your life….Accept that and move on. This isn’t EASY---- but it’s NECESSARY.

Get away from small thinking, small living, and small understanding. Small natured people never fulfill their purpose, they never step out of the bubble--- meaning they can see things going on around them and they are miserable because they don’t UNDERSTAND it. Their hearts are cold and their emotions are numb, they are bitter and hateful, because they are stuck in smallness. Smallness is like being stuck in this trap that only allows negativity and selfishness, it’s failure in the highest degree—you fail yourself and people you love.

I’m no saint, I’ve lived small before, I’ve been confined to my own opinion--- but it doesn’t work for me. I realized I can’t lead, I can’t learn, I can’t succeed from inside a box. I have to see people, understand them, empathize with them, and above all forgive them. I literally have to place myself in the shoes of others at times, as much as it kills my pride!  Over time I’ve looked at people in my life and realized-- they are like the Dad on Honey I Shrunk the Kids… small. If I am around smallness, I am small too… it’s not a matter of being better than someone else- because I’m not----------- it’s a matter of evaluating where I am in life, where I want to be, and doing what’s necessary to get there. I don’t want to be small, I want to be as big as Christ needs me to be. Listen to your heart cry, if it’s dying to get out of a box, get away from smallness--- set it free.

 

I pray today that God takes us out of the box, the smallness, and bring us to big things…

 

Have a blessed day!  Rachelle

Marriage---Ride or Die?

Decided to blog about marriage today…

I’ve been married for 4 years, 4 interesting years.

I married someone I’ve known since the age of 14, my child’s father, my best friend, and honestly someone who knows everything about me.

He is the only person on earth who knows that much about me. (Dangerous)

He is the only child by his mother and I am an only child so our household is pretty funny at times as we are both brats.

 

The best advice on marriage, if you aren’t ready, don’t do it!

I am in love but I wasn’t fully aware of the responsibilities that come with marriage. It requires attention, time, patience, devotion, love, and above all prayer. It isn’t good all the time and you have to learn to work through differences in a very unselfish way… you need to know HOW to do this. You also have to learn that marriage is between you and your spouse, no friends, kids, or family should be allowed in your business. No matter how mad, upset, or angry you get you have to seek out the best in your partner and for your partner.

Marriage gives new meaning to the term “ride or die”. LOL

 

It’s a big step and it can be a disaster if you aren’t prepared and ready for it… but it can also be beautiful. To share your life, good and bad, is fun. You have someone to walk with you through things, to make you smile, and to just be there to make you feel safe.

The Key: marry a GOOD MAN.

What a good man is not----- PERFECT. I find it funny when I hear women “search” for the right man yet they aren’t the right woman for anyone…? Don’t search for someone who doesn’t exist either. If he’s fine, rich, kidless, big home, nice car---- he ain’t SINGLE.

 

All jokes aside, marriage is a partnership. Satan works in marriages everyday… but together you have to overcome that. Be with a person who picks you up and makes you smile… someone who leads you to Christ and away from harm. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, he doesn’t need to be perfect but he needs to be smart. If he’s into other women, let him marry another woman. A man should have his mind and eyes set on you and you only. I’m not oblivious to male tendencies however I am convinced that real men, once they give their life to Christ, are able to battle any demons set before them.

As I said Satan works hard, you have to be able to walk with a man through hard times… he’s a man and WILL have them. The end result: a marriage stronger than you ever pictured, a family with a solid foundation and Christ as the head of your household. Christ put women in a man’s life for a reason, we are the emotion, the thinkers, the feelings… we lead them in areas they lack… but you have to be willing and able to do that.

 

Corinthians speaks well about marriage, I’ve read it a thousand times… here are some of my favs---

 

“Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong.” (1 Corinthians 13:5 )

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for each other.” (1 John 3:16)

1 Corinthians 13 that “love is kind,” “does not delight in evil,” and “is not self-seeking”

1 Corinthians 7:27-28, that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life.”

I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3)

 

My husband, good person, good man, good father, and good husband… not perfect but good to his family. I don’t regret sticking by his side one day and I’m grateful that he and I have been through so much, there’s history and we are strong because of it.

Satan works, but he never wins. Never. I’ve enjoyed my journey with my husband and I know we can do anything through Christ. Good times, bad times, hard times, we are one… we do whatever necessary, forsaken ALL others, and make things happen. A bond no one can break, blessed by God, and supported by people we love… it won’t fail as Love never fails.

God first, family second, everything else after…………….

Thought of the Day: If you aren’t a strong woman you WILL NOT stay married. Period.
Key: Any man can love a million girls, but only a real man can love one girl a million ways.

Have a blessed day, Rachelle

 

forgiveness.

thought i'd shed some light on forgiveness today... i find it easy to speak on things i am good at but hard to talk about things i lack in... i definitley lack in this area and i think it's important to overcome it in order to work my way closer to Christ.
growing up, it was survival of the fittest... we didn't gain respect by "forgiving" people, we gained respect by hardness and saying whatever we felt at the moment, good or bad. it was normal to get in the face of someone who had wronged me and shout mean words to get back at them. popularity wasn't determined on how much you loves Jesus and followed His word, which is sad. looking back i often wonder if Jesus had anything at all to do with my decisions as a teenager and young adult, i really don't think He did, i was very selfsih. we weren't "gangsters" or anything, we just said whatever we had to say regardless of how it made others feel and how it made us look to our peers and other adults. i seriously lacked respect for myself and my soul... it's part of growing up i guess. in any event i think it's so important that we understand how to empathize with others because we are called to do so... you see God created us in his image but very often we act as Satan would... when we are upset and emotional all training goes out the window and we do what satisfies us at the moment. i've done this so often and finally realized, it damages MY soul whn i act in the moment. it stunts my own growth as a person and only i can control it. forgiveness comes in when you learn to accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be, and decide that if you don't deserve things they hand to you...  you have the ability to dismiss them from your life. God calls us to forgive, He doesn't ask that we excuse evil deeds or people who do bad or evil things to us. we control who is in our space... fogiveness is letting it go and not keeping it in your heart. hate, anger, bitterness affect you way more than it affects the person you hate... in fact the goal of someone with ugly or evil motive is typically to take you "there" ---to that place you don't want to go... to their level. you actually become them... the opposite of who you want to be. i've gone there, i've stooped, and i realize that i can't control what others do but i can control my reaction and... if i'm worried about MY soul and MY judgement i need to focus on MY life and MY reactions.
i've searched through scripture time after time thinking there was an exception clause to "forgive others as I have forgiven you" and "if you don't forgive you will not be forgiven." --- surely there must be an exception right, i mean God doesn't understand the specifics of this situation, there's no way He can expect me to let this go, i mean this is serious, this really hurts, this is unforgivable, unforgettable, this demands tough love, ................................................... nope. He does know the specifics, He does understand the situation, He knows it ALL, and regardless He still demands you FORGIVE. i struggle with this, seriously, it's a burden i've carried for so long because it's taking 27 years of "the way things are" and trying to change them to a new way of life, a new way of dealing, that's not easy. it takes alot to make me dislike someone but once i'm to that point i typically don't turn back... i don't go backwards.... so to forgive and forget isn't my specialty.
you see i've always overlooked this area of my life and made excuses for it... but when my Pastor demanded that i examine myself in order to bring light to dark places in my life i can't deny the burden of bitterness or anger anymore. who am i to make an exception to the rule of forgiving, He demands it and i need to shutup and obey. see, when you hate you are no longer the author of your story because you allow others to control your destiny, your mindframe, and your overall sanity. you give them the pen to write your story... this is satan's work and you need to know this. he lies, all the time... he tells us that we need to be this way in order to "survive" and avoid people "walking all over you". he promises that if you hate and hold anger others will not harm you, teach them a lesson, remind them of their flaws so they never forget them... and it's a clever plan because we all fall for it... but the truth is satan could care less about you, in fact he hates you because you were created in God's image and he hates God.
today, let it go. trust that Christ has your back, His arms are wide open, and when others disppoint you- you need to turn to Him, not your own understanding of the sitution. people have done some pretty evil things to me.... so that's my struggle, how do you forgive people who aren't sorry or don't see the true pain they have caused... so i pray about it... and God says "rachelle, i'm not telling you to have dinner with folks who hate you, rate you, belittle you, and hurt you... what i'm saying is give it to me. i want your burden, i died for your burden, i am equipped to carry your burden, but you MUST hand them over to me, you must trust me." and i think, wow, what a blessing to have a God that would take the negativity i deal with and give me the ability to start fresh everyday.truth is, you deserve better, i deserve better. be content, understand His love for you, understand the purpose of people in your life, good and bad......... whether they teach you lessons by bringing pain or teach you by bringing blessings... it's all for a reason. dismiss those who hurt you, don't be afraid to keep them out of your space... but don't hate and don't hold bitterness, let it go. watch the weight lift from your shoulders and enjoy the new you.... because it will create a new you. God rescues you from the enemy, you can't rescue yourself, get over it, let the pride and arrogance go, God's power and love is way to great for those who hate you (psalm 21:8), evil people self destruct (psalm 34:21), God will deliver you, you don't have to deliver yourself (Psalm 44:7)--- these are His promises straight from the good book, I'm not asking you to take my word for it, read His word.
am i perfect, far from it... but when i make my "bucket list" i don't have sky diving on it, i have learning to forgive and let God handle situations for me. i'm not equipped to handle everything (hard thing to admit). i don't have an S on my chest, i need help. i know that this is defintley a test for my soul and i wanna pass, i don't lose... but i've lost this battle for so long. i'm ready and i pray that God intervenes when things happen so that i may see Him, not my selfish heart. to grow i must SURRENDER to Him and admit that He is the one and only... i have to learn to depend on Him in areas of my life that trouble my soul. today, i forgive myself (very important), at times i have failed as a daughter, mother, friend, wife... and as people have forgiven me-- i've also forgiven myself. i forgive my enemies, i forgive my husband and all those close to me who have hurt me, i forgive those who have wronged me, and i ask that God handle things while i seek his kingdom... and above all i trust He will. i keep people i love close to me and i let others go, they don't and won't control me, ever. most important, i teach my daughter the same... be content in your skin baby because God handles everything, good and bad. i look forward to better days ahead and know that if i want to live some parts of me must die.
lesson: strong people forgive, weak people carry hate.
have a blessed night, Rachelle Williams

how to love.

sharing my expereince on love and the impact it's had on my life. i got big love, like huge, i'm hungry for love, i enjoy it, i embrace people who love me, and i believe in being loyal to people who truly care about me. i feed off of people who i love, they are my lifeline. they don't have to be perfect, they just have to be real. i pray about love, i ask all the time that God put more of it in my heart so it shines through all the darkness of my world... i believe Paul when he described it as the "greatest of all" in the bible, i always read that scripture when i wonder how hard i should love others.
my husband, wow we been through so much together, we have alot of history. met the man when iu was 13 years old and been in his presence on and off ever since. although my definition of love has changed through the years the fact that i do love him hasn't. you see until i had brooklyn my expectations weren't very high, i just wanted to be around him and that was enough for me.  today, my expectations are way higher when it comes to love. you come to love people by who they are, not what they do. so many times people have asked me "how did you do it" and i'm like one word pretty much explains it, love. i don't expect everyone to understand but i think it's important we all know a love, an unconditional love, at one point in life. it's refreshing, it's a good expereience, sometimes hard, but a good one that teaches the true value of relations God has given us.
how i did it, there's no right or wrong answer... i just did it with alot of prayer and love. at the beginning of the year someone asked me "rachelle, what is enough for you, will you ever have enough" and that answer came very easy to me you see... because when i married this man i vowed to love him as long as i have the power to do so... and God is the only person who can take that power from me; i'm convinced He will do that if He ever feels i need to get out.
you can't allow others in your space, your marriage and relationship isn't supposed to be understood by others, ever. they not supposed to be able to case your household and figure out what's going on. it's one thing to confide in a friend or seek advice when you are confused but you should pray FIRST, and the answer always lies btw you and your mate, you just have to figure it out.
in any case, love doesn't come and go. it's a process and it's not a game... someone once told me, "it's all a game and i enjoy playing it..." and all i could think was wow, i really felt sorry for her.... you are a lost soul if you think anything from God is a game much less the greatest thing He has given us. you see you can't control your spouse or his decisions, you can't control other females, but you can control the way you handle yourself, the way you love, and the way you live life in front of your family and children. you can love until God tells you to do otherwise and marriages are meant to stick together, never fall apart.
i've also been blessed with a daughter, and as with most mothers, having her made me see things from a whole different light. life changed, expectations changed, standards changed, my overall respect for myself and others changed, because i have a life in my hands. someone looking at everything i do, everything i say, and understands my thoughts and desires.... it was actually very scary for me for a long time. i had no clue on how to balance my life with hers, when to do what i wanted versus what she would want me to do. don't get me wrong, i've fell off and made selfish decisions but i've always been blessed with insight on things before they got outta hand and went to far. it's important that us mothers understand the ways we show our children, we are the center of the home and their life, they are very smart, and they KNOW. they know, took me a while to get that. i thought "she's young, she don't know" and then  I'm like she may not know today but she will one day... everything we do comes to light. when i brought her home i thought of all the things i put my parents through and was like how could i do that, these people gave me LIFE, and i just took them for granted and made such selfish decisions. i was able to relate with the pain i caused because now i had someone who i loved so deeply and knew it would kill me if she ever hurt me the way i hurt them... i still think about this often, especially now that my mom is gone. i can only p
see this is all love, coming to realize right from wrong, understanding people who care about you, and caring in return. it's a beautiful thing... but just as their is love, there is hate... and if you aren't careful the darkness of hate can consume your relationships and cloud your thoughts... and the tragedy can happy-- you become just like those that hate you. hate is so easy, anyone can hate, some are genetically made to hate (i believe) and the only cure--- absence. get them away from you and don't allow them in your space. ever. know them from a distance. satan is busy, and God gives you choices, one being to love or to hate, and our generation--- we typically do what easy.
lesson: be big today, love big, and keep haters out of your space. pray for clarity and accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be. everyone is not you, don't let actions of others determine where you go and how you live. the famous words "do you" have drastic meaning... do it and do it right. there is only one me, only one you, and  we deserve happiness, we all do. be happy, enjoy blessings, appreciate love God has given you, and learn from experiences.
today, i pray for love, i pray that it always outweigh hate, that at one point and time we all expereince true unconditional love. it's a pretty amazing feeling to have someone love you flaws and all. it's easy to love someone perfect, it takes a strong person to love through imperfections... it's a glimpse of what God goes through on a daily basis... loving imperfect people. may God bless all relationships, all marriages, and all children... that we all know love and embrace it.
be blessed, rachelle.

life in general

deep thinking about life and all it's cracked up to be...learning valuable lessons on a daily basis. each of us define love differently when the truth is, there's one definition- given in corinthians- defined by paul. you can't make it something it's not, some people show their love with money, some with acts of kindness, others with services. who's right, i don't know. to be able to accept that is real love. to know that god doesn't give you a perfect person because He and He alone should be the only one seen as perfect.
yesterday i was down, today i had the world in my hands, wondering what He has in store for me because i hate not knowing... but the future wasn't meant to be know. i'm starting to realize that this life is a dream [or for some a nightmare] and we don't wake up until we die... how ironic. i enjoy things of this world but have to focus on things of my eternity, it's difficult. in a perfect world we would predict bad things to avoid them happening but... in God's world it NEEDS to happen, for a reason, and it's wasted time if we don't embrace the experience and see the TRUTH, that's the goal... to live in truth and get closer to Him... that's what it's all about.
the devil lies- all the time. he puts things right around my block, outside my window, on my tv, in my head, everywhere... it's scary. he desensitizes you to negativity to consume your time, your life, and your mind... and then he takes your soul. now i'm strong and pretty fearless... but when i think of this it's almost scary. you think it's great when things come easy... but forget that good things never come easy. if it comes easy it comes wrong {fact}.
for the longest time i wondered why people spoke on me, hated on me, ect... and finally i'm coming to a point where i see that it  has nothing to do with me. i give love, give respect--- but everyone has a breaking point right. my flaws shine through, anyone who has been around me for a day or so sees the, clearly... on a daily basis my flaws come out. my words, my actions, my reactions, my attitude... it's not on point 100% of the time. however i realize that He gave me those too... for a reason. they allow me to see people who really love me as they do with all my flaws, and the rest fade away.
everyone has battles in life, everyone. our enviornment, our friends, our upbringing, our education, our role models, ect... they all contribute to who we become. do we realize that when we choose who and what we put in our life? who/what has created who you are? grow up with financial struggles and addictions.... who's responsibility is it to overcome that and rise above it? really, does God expect me to just "know better'? btw, these are real questions to ask yourself? you do what you know, you become what you see, you understanding is based on how people around you understand people around them... and it's a cycle. how does one come to realize where they belong...
questions i thought i had all the answers to and boy was i wrong. life is a gift but it's rough and if you don't tackle it, it will tackle you. make choice, be acocuntable, accept your failures, and have faith that He has your back no matter what. i guess you figure out the rest along the way... so i have a long journey ahead of me, I'll enjoy the ride.
good night people.

a special person

tonight i will blog about my mother... because i miss her and my hearts heavy and i want people to get this... anyone can give birth, anyone... but kids, especially daughters are very very reliant on their mothers to teach them their worth and value in life. my mom fought a battle for years and years and it ended up taking her life. often as a child i'd sit and ask her "can't you just stop" i had no udnerstanding of what addiction was... and because i was so strong minded i thought anyone could do anything they wanted to do. period. i didn't udnerstand the worth of a bottle and that asking an addict to make a choice is like setting yourself up for disappointment if they can't.
at 12 i found her passed out and thought she was dead, at 15 i asked her to choose and she did what she had to, at 16 i was told she wouldn't see me graduate but she did, at 19 i was told she wouldn't see me have kids but she did, at 21 i was told she wouldn't see me get married but she did that too... she saw me live my life and find happiness, she shared it with me against all odds and i feel truly blessed that God gave me the time He did... wow. see listen, God knew without my daughter and husband i'd be in the grave with her, He knows your every need before you need it... so He held her until He knew I could survive... that's powerful. am i dishonoring her name, no... i'm being real about who my mother was and stating thru it all i still love and miss her regardless. we mothers, we have a big job on this earth, our kids need us, they thrive on us, they are us. my mother loved me with all her heart, she loved EVERYONE, literally. as i said, these things happen to the BEST of people. choose wisely, today's fun can be tomorrows pain...
it's foolish actually because why would someone want to slowly take their life, it's a serious problem that very very good people have. the hard part, kids can't distinguish between their parent and their parent's issues... then parents become the issue. children are invincible and they expect their parent to be the same, we don't get it. as a 27 year old female i can honestly say this: never, not one day, do i not wish i could go back and tell my mom that she was a great person regardless of any habbit, mistake, or issues she had. you see we don't tell ppl that enough, we wait until they dead to honor them, we don't honor them when they are here. we judge them, we misunderstand them, we pull the "tough love" act, and then we are full or sorrow and guilt when they leave the earth to go home. we want to send flowers or cry at the casket rather than picking up the phone, it's sad actually. we listen to songs that honor them, we quote them, we post pictures, we keep their belongings, pray for them.....we do all this when they are GONE... what do we do when they are HERE on earth with us? you see i carry my mother's ashes in my purse but didn't even take her to the movies when she asked while here on earth, i carry her checkbook but told her no when she asked for money, i carry her drivers lisence but wouldn't take a ride to wal mart with her when she called, i pray for her on a daily basis but didn't pray for her when she was on earth . crazy right.......

make no mistake, parents have to be accountable for their actions, but they are human, as we are. they are subject to mistakes, ugly ways, addiction, death, as well as forgiveness. honestly my issue is this... i forgave my mother a long time ago, but i didn't TELL her. it's very hard to lose someone with unsaid words and feelings... because you have to wait a full life time to see them again.
death, it makes the heart hard. i've never in my life felt so hard, disturbed, or emotional about things in my life. ever. it puts fear in you, fear of getting close to people because you don't want to feel the same pain if they die. see i loved my mother from a distance for so long thinking it would prepare me for her death, not being able to see her face, and i was so foolish. now that i can love her from a distance i'd give my life to see her up close. selfish i know, but its truth.
today, right now, i see my mothers good deeds and her sweet ways and wonder why i didn't see them while she was here. why didn't i aprpeciate them, strive to do the same, understand her needs and wants, and respect her decision while still staying close to her heart. answer: fear.
how is a person who isn't scared of anything now admitting her biggest issue was fear, because it's true. i always knew my mother would leave earth the way she did, at an early age, you see i "planned" this... so i thought... so why is it so hard?
face of the matter is you can't prepare for loss, it happens and hits you like a ton of bricks. you wont understand it, you will ask questions, and even temporarily lose faith. i did for a year, wouldn't step foot in a church, i was bitter and mad at God and didn't understand why He would take my mother and Brooklyn's grandmother. i focused on the "giants" of my life (like death) rather than the seeds (like her going home to be with her Creator). i pushed people away and had so many different emotions running through me i wasn't even sure who i was for a long time. i know i'ma  Christian but i didn't get it.
my mother was an alcoholic, i can say it and smile now, i cried for 23 years about it. i can accept it and all that came with it. i can accept her decisions and respect her because the truth is every expereince, good and bad, has taught me a lesson in my life. i want to have her faith and her generosity, and if it weren't for her i wouldn't know either. she has shed so much light on life and how difficult it can be, but how the victory is way bigger than the battle. it's not about earth, it's about eternity.
i miss her, i see her face everytime i close my eyes, literally. i cry i laugh i moan i fuss i do it all. we have ONE mother, no matter where she comes from, what she does, how she lives, her choices, ect... you are a reflection of her and when she goes a peice of you will too... you can't get that back. it's a bad dream you don't wake up from. surviving it takes a daily focus, prayer and a desire to live, really live. apologize, seriously, you don't know what it's like, you don't know how fast it happens and you don't know how guilt and anger can eat the heart, kill the spirit, and consume your soul. you have no idea... today i'm in a better place. i'm part of a phenomenal church with amazing pastors who take time to pray for me, i have a family who supports me, and i have a husband who understands me. he gets it. my faith in her destination keeps me sane, because there's no question she went to heaven. none. it gives me peace to know she isn't sick anymore and there are no more financial or health problems, only peace and grace, in a kingdom that inhabits a beautiful God who is love, pure love. i take myself there, clsoe my eyes and picture her face in a kingdom full of peace because my entire life, i wanted peace for her.
it's hard... but it's life. it's His will and it isn't up to me...His plan is bigger than mine. i miss her and the selfish part of me wants her here with me and my daughter, but eternity if a perfect place for her gorgeous heart. i wish i was as forgiving, giving, and understanding as she was... love family, don't swear small things, and ask God to give grace when dealing with troubled family members.... it's worth it, trust me. Lesson: LOVE TODAY. rip to my mother...