a special person

tonight i will blog about my mother... because i miss her and my hearts heavy and i want people to get this... anyone can give birth, anyone... but kids, especially daughters are very very reliant on their mothers to teach them their worth and value in life. my mom fought a battle for years and years and it ended up taking her life. often as a child i'd sit and ask her "can't you just stop" i had no udnerstanding of what addiction was... and because i was so strong minded i thought anyone could do anything they wanted to do. period. i didn't udnerstand the worth of a bottle and that asking an addict to make a choice is like setting yourself up for disappointment if they can't.
at 12 i found her passed out and thought she was dead, at 15 i asked her to choose and she did what she had to, at 16 i was told she wouldn't see me graduate but she did, at 19 i was told she wouldn't see me have kids but she did, at 21 i was told she wouldn't see me get married but she did that too... she saw me live my life and find happiness, she shared it with me against all odds and i feel truly blessed that God gave me the time He did... wow. see listen, God knew without my daughter and husband i'd be in the grave with her, He knows your every need before you need it... so He held her until He knew I could survive... that's powerful. am i dishonoring her name, no... i'm being real about who my mother was and stating thru it all i still love and miss her regardless. we mothers, we have a big job on this earth, our kids need us, they thrive on us, they are us. my mother loved me with all her heart, she loved EVERYONE, literally. as i said, these things happen to the BEST of people. choose wisely, today's fun can be tomorrows pain...
it's foolish actually because why would someone want to slowly take their life, it's a serious problem that very very good people have. the hard part, kids can't distinguish between their parent and their parent's issues... then parents become the issue. children are invincible and they expect their parent to be the same, we don't get it. as a 27 year old female i can honestly say this: never, not one day, do i not wish i could go back and tell my mom that she was a great person regardless of any habbit, mistake, or issues she had. you see we don't tell ppl that enough, we wait until they dead to honor them, we don't honor them when they are here. we judge them, we misunderstand them, we pull the "tough love" act, and then we are full or sorrow and guilt when they leave the earth to go home. we want to send flowers or cry at the casket rather than picking up the phone, it's sad actually. we listen to songs that honor them, we quote them, we post pictures, we keep their belongings, pray for them.....we do all this when they are GONE... what do we do when they are HERE on earth with us? you see i carry my mother's ashes in my purse but didn't even take her to the movies when she asked while here on earth, i carry her checkbook but told her no when she asked for money, i carry her drivers lisence but wouldn't take a ride to wal mart with her when she called, i pray for her on a daily basis but didn't pray for her when she was on earth . crazy right.......

make no mistake, parents have to be accountable for their actions, but they are human, as we are. they are subject to mistakes, ugly ways, addiction, death, as well as forgiveness. honestly my issue is this... i forgave my mother a long time ago, but i didn't TELL her. it's very hard to lose someone with unsaid words and feelings... because you have to wait a full life time to see them again.
death, it makes the heart hard. i've never in my life felt so hard, disturbed, or emotional about things in my life. ever. it puts fear in you, fear of getting close to people because you don't want to feel the same pain if they die. see i loved my mother from a distance for so long thinking it would prepare me for her death, not being able to see her face, and i was so foolish. now that i can love her from a distance i'd give my life to see her up close. selfish i know, but its truth.
today, right now, i see my mothers good deeds and her sweet ways and wonder why i didn't see them while she was here. why didn't i aprpeciate them, strive to do the same, understand her needs and wants, and respect her decision while still staying close to her heart. answer: fear.
how is a person who isn't scared of anything now admitting her biggest issue was fear, because it's true. i always knew my mother would leave earth the way she did, at an early age, you see i "planned" this... so i thought... so why is it so hard?
face of the matter is you can't prepare for loss, it happens and hits you like a ton of bricks. you wont understand it, you will ask questions, and even temporarily lose faith. i did for a year, wouldn't step foot in a church, i was bitter and mad at God and didn't understand why He would take my mother and Brooklyn's grandmother. i focused on the "giants" of my life (like death) rather than the seeds (like her going home to be with her Creator). i pushed people away and had so many different emotions running through me i wasn't even sure who i was for a long time. i know i'ma  Christian but i didn't get it.
my mother was an alcoholic, i can say it and smile now, i cried for 23 years about it. i can accept it and all that came with it. i can accept her decisions and respect her because the truth is every expereince, good and bad, has taught me a lesson in my life. i want to have her faith and her generosity, and if it weren't for her i wouldn't know either. she has shed so much light on life and how difficult it can be, but how the victory is way bigger than the battle. it's not about earth, it's about eternity.
i miss her, i see her face everytime i close my eyes, literally. i cry i laugh i moan i fuss i do it all. we have ONE mother, no matter where she comes from, what she does, how she lives, her choices, ect... you are a reflection of her and when she goes a peice of you will too... you can't get that back. it's a bad dream you don't wake up from. surviving it takes a daily focus, prayer and a desire to live, really live. apologize, seriously, you don't know what it's like, you don't know how fast it happens and you don't know how guilt and anger can eat the heart, kill the spirit, and consume your soul. you have no idea... today i'm in a better place. i'm part of a phenomenal church with amazing pastors who take time to pray for me, i have a family who supports me, and i have a husband who understands me. he gets it. my faith in her destination keeps me sane, because there's no question she went to heaven. none. it gives me peace to know she isn't sick anymore and there are no more financial or health problems, only peace and grace, in a kingdom that inhabits a beautiful God who is love, pure love. i take myself there, clsoe my eyes and picture her face in a kingdom full of peace because my entire life, i wanted peace for her.
it's hard... but it's life. it's His will and it isn't up to me...His plan is bigger than mine. i miss her and the selfish part of me wants her here with me and my daughter, but eternity if a perfect place for her gorgeous heart. i wish i was as forgiving, giving, and understanding as she was... love family, don't swear small things, and ask God to give grace when dealing with troubled family members.... it's worth it, trust me. Lesson: LOVE TODAY. rip to my mother...